#Metoo really is ME TOO (Why I'm opting to believe the accusers)

    There are multiple hashtags floating around right now. The most popular are #MeToo and #WhyIDidntReport. This seems to be the "Year of Sexual Assault". While it's an extremely good thing that it's finally being spoken of and people are advocating for real conversation and real change, like anything else, it's getting it's fair share of negative and dissenting attention as well.

    This is especially clear when it comes to the issue of Brett Kavanuagh (Trump's appointed nominee for the Supreme Court). Let me make clear that this is not a post about him and my opinions on his nomination. However, let me also make clear that this IS about how the situation and others like it are being handled. As soon as the 1st person came forward there were naysayers. I was even one of them. The most common refrains were "Why didn't she report it sooner if it really happened?" and "This is a smear campaign of the Democrats." My personal reasoning for giving the situation pause was because if it really happened it had happened in High School and aren't we all different people now?
   Of the dismissive statements I've heard, the biggest ones that hurt the most are the ones aimed at dismissing what the woman has to say on the sole basis of timing, who is supporting her, and who is the target. The timing is suspicious, the political party with the information is suspicious, the length of time is too far gone, it's just another attack on a conservative white male. This thought process should be troubling for everyone.
    When an adult comes forward and states "I was raped/molested/assaulted by a priest as a child" I don't hear such dismissive or angry responses. I don't hear people questioning the person's validity based on how long they wanted or the fact that the accused is a conservative white male. No one becomes defensive and questions their motives "They're just doing it to bring a bad name to Catholicism or Christianity"... And NO ONE feels bad for the accused. No, we start at a place of believing them (or at minimum admitting that we will give them the benefit of the doubt) and will strongly advocate for a proper investigation. I do not hear these things coming from certain demographics when it comes to women who accuse the powerful, regardless of the age of when it happened. I will not make an assumption as to why that it is, but I will tell you that it's unacceptable. And here is where this becomes very personal for me. #Metoo really is Me Too!
   When I was a child I was molested on more than one occasion by boys my own age. At the time there were PSA's filling the airwaves telling kids that if you've been touched inappropriately you needed to tell a trusted adult. So I did. However, each time I did, I found that the boys didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I didn't hate them for what they did. I just didn't want them to do it again. In one case, they were the boys at the day care I attended. I had no other friends but them, so you can imagine how lonely it was for me the day they got in trouble for shoving their hands down my pants and tongues in my mouth and now wanted nothing to do with me. I was now no longer worthy of a friendship. I understand some would say "why would you want to be friends with boys who would treat you that way?". My response is layered A) Who else was I supposed to be friends? with B) I don't like anyone being mad at me, ever... I want to get a long with everyone, even if they aren't the best person C) I was a kid who just wanted to be liked and feel worthy of friendship.That experience stuck with me and it became one of the many reasons I was  less prone to telling others when things went wrong as I grew older.
    Just after graduating High School, this boy I had liked messaged me through AIM (yeah, before smart phones and apps). He admitted that during High School he had liked me but was too afraid to act because he knew he was a bit popular and I wasn't. He apologized for being so shallow and asked if I wanted to hang out. On one hand I was mad. This guy had the nerve to think he was better than me less than 2 months ago and now that he doesn't have to face his peers he's willing to lower himself to my level. On the other hand, I was flattered that he was willing to admit his insecurities and wanted to make amends. I asked what he wanted to do. He suggested swimming in his neighbors pool. This seemed odd to me, it was a bit cold, and all of this seemed sudden... But what was the worse that could happen? He didn't really come across to me as the aggressive type in school. We'd probably flirt and goof off and if it went well, maybe lead to a kiss and a future date. When I got there, I found out that we were actually "sneaking" into his neighbors pool and once in he wasted no time in wanting to make out with me. I barely had time to process what was going on before his tongue was in my mouth and he was taking my hand and shoving it down his trunks. I was embarrassed and confused. I tried to be delicate about pulling away and saying I wasn't sure about all of this, but he was so forceful, so desperate to keep things moving. Before our swimsuits came completely off I was able to get up the nerve to shove him back and firmly tell him "no". That's when his real cowardice showed. He begged me not to tell anyone out of embarrassment. I don't recall exactly what I said but I probably agreed and left. He never talked to me again. I only mentioned the incident to a friend one time, years later and it was only because we were at a party and he was there... hitting on HER. I didn't want her to go through what I went through.
   A few years later I made friends with a guy at work. We flirted with each other, but I thought I was clear that it was never in a serious manner. He wanted to come over one night and watch a movie and hang out. I figured we were friends so why not? After watching the movie, and scolding him for thinking he was going to roll a join in my apartment, it was time to go. I walked him out but once I got to the door he asked for a kiss on the cheek. I didn't really like the idea but, again, I didn't really want to make a big deal of things if I didn't need to so I agreed. That's when he turned his head and kissed me on the mouth. Not just that, he grabbed a hold of me tightly and began to try and kiss me passionately. I backed up and which immediately made him defensive "What, I'm not asking you to have sex with me!" and he went in for more.. Being a bit older, and more sure of myself I pulled back again and replied "I know, but we're friends, that's all". Ego hurt, he left... again, never to talk to me again.
  I never told anyone about either of these incidents for years and years. Why? Because I knew how it would play out. The questions about my character would come pouring out and I would feel ashamed... I would feel ashamed despite not being in the wrong. I would be asked why I agreed to go to the pool or have the guy over. I would be told that I flirt too much and I was leading them on. Because I had (and still do) heard those questions and scoldings so many times when women came forward, I stayed quiet. Opting to privately scold myself over and over again until I believed I really was to blame. If either of them were running for public office or some other position where I would expect some moral high ground, I wouldn't be able to support them... and in the case of the 1st person I would publicly speak out (because, since sharing my story about him with others I uncovered that I wasn't the 1st or last person he did that to).
    I understand that these women are often having their stories used as a weapon by the opposing party. But, what I don't understand is our reactions to the women themselves. People are attacking them, publicly and actively seeking ways to discredit her character instead of prove or disprove the facts. Maybe she is wrong. Maybe she doesn't remember things accurately. Maybe she's lying. But, considering how rare that last one is, shouldn't we all openly support a proper and unbiased investigation into her claims? What's worse, is that maybe one of the political parties is wielding her claim as a weapon, shouldn't that make us feel worse for her? Because instead of being treated with dignity and respect by all sides, she's being used by one and attacked by the other. It should disgust all of us.
  An argument was posed to me that if the crimes are extremely old, then it shouldn't ruin a man's career, even if it did happen. To an extent, I agree. It depends on what his job is and his level of influence on the world. If he is a Wal-Mart greeter, a Customer Service employee, even a CEO of a company, if he has shown (through the years) that he is not the same person he was, then he should be properly investigated and if redeemed go on with his life in peace, and if not redeemed, suffer whatever the appropriate consequence is and, again, move on with his life.
    However, if he is to be in a role that should be held to higher standards such as public office or a religious leader, he ought to be able to demonstrate the qualities that one expects of the role. If the accusations are true (even if they're 30+ years old) he ought not to wait until it's proven to say he's sorry for the pain he's caused. A truly redeemed person would own their past mistakes, apologize immediately and prove that he is a changed person. Honestly, of those who have been accused of bad behavior (whether it's sexual misconduct, or disgusting tweets), the ones I've been able to forgive are the ones who have either admitted immediately that they were in the wrong and have worked hard to demonstrate that they are changed or they have said "I honestly don't remember doing the things they said, but they're clearly hurt and if I had any play in that I am SO sorry". That's respectable.
    On top of concerns over ruining a "poor man's life", I have heard people complain that they feel like it's just "conservative white men" who are in positions of power that are being accused. What I don't understand is how they're not seeing why that's the case. If you look at the demographic of who is in power you will find that it's mostly conservative white men. Not understanding why they seem to be the majority accused is like saying you don't understand why the majority of accusers are women..... Because that is the majority, but not all. Non-Conservative and Non-White people of power have been accused as well. Al Franken, Bill Cosby, Anothny Weiner, Bill Clinton are just a few that come to mind and there are others. Women aren't the only accusers either. Terry Crews and Jimmy Bennett have both come forward to talk about their experiences with being assaulted by women.
  I also understand that people don't like what they see in terms of "taking sides". They feel they have to believe the woman completely and pass judgement on the accused before an investigation or they will be lumped in with the other side that dismisses her out of hand. Please know that I don't like it either. I don't believe that wanting a fair investigation and holding onto a healthy dose of skepticism is a bad thing. I only ask that you truly understand why the response of believing the woman is such a passionate one. We women are RARELY believed. I can count to countless statistics that show just how rare it is for a rape case or sexual assault case is to make it to trial. Our characters are dissected and we end up being more on trial than the accused. We are asked why we wore what we wore, how much we had to drink, whether or not we were giving mixed signals, etc. If we are promiscuous it is used against us as if promiscuity means permission. We are held to ridiculous standards of behavior when you take into account all of the other behaviors that women are also commonly held to (smile, be kind, don't be rude, be submissive, if you're assertiveness you'll be seen as a bitch so scale it back, any outfit you put on think about how it will be perceived by the male population, etc. etc.) We NEED people to be on our side. We NEED people to believe us (even if they hold onto a healthy dose of skepticism). It is terrifying to speak up and we need people to encourage us and support us, not dissect our whole life under a microscope while worrying about how our accusations could "ruin an innocent man's life". It will only ruin it if he's guilty and if that's the case, he has no one to blame but himself.
   On top of false accusations being rare, men receiving proper punishment is also rare, especially if you're wealthy and/or white. Brock Turner served days, Bill Cosby is only getting 3 years, an Alaskan man (Justin Schneider) was given a "pass" after kidnapping, choking a woman and then masturbating on her face (yeah you read that right)! We are outraged at the lack of seriousness with which these crimes are not just perceived but sentenced. So, yes, we will come to our sisters defense and demand justice the second a word is spoke about assault, because far too often her bravery is treated like dirt and the perpetrator walks away with a slap on the hand if anything at all. Could it be false? Yes, we know there is a small chance it could be false, but for the sake of every woman who has been too scared to come forward, we're going to throw it all in there and support the ones that do. By doing so, we are encouraging other women to be brave and come forward. We want them to know that they will not be torn to shreds if their sisters can help it. We want them to know that they are not alone and that they do not have to be silent anymore.
  So, let me close with this, I fully support and understand the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" but can we also please tack on "truth until proven a lie"? Yes, I understand that there may be tension but that's good. I also ask for understanding and empathy when you see you women friends who show outrage and anger at those who have been accused. We have a long, sad history of being ignored and marginalized and we're done.

    

A response to “The Transformed Wife”

There has been a lot of buzz on social media swirling around Lori Alexander (otherwise known as “The Transformed Wife”).  The hub bub has mostly been in response to a recent blog article she posted titled “Men prefer Debt free virgins without tattoos”.  According to her “about” page on Facebook her intent is: Learning about marriage, raising children, homemaking, and being a godly woman who desires to be transformed into the image of Christ! Meaning she has the intention of teaching women what it means to be a godly wife and mother. While this is a noble goal for any Christian woman, a few minutes scrolling her page and reading her blogs left me scratching my head. Her teachings are narrowly focused, unbiblical and, quite frankly, spiritually abusive.

Once I found her facebook page I found myself scrolling through and reading her posts and instinctively feeling the urge to comment on the most egregious ones. My intent was not to be abusive or to be a troll but a) to attempt damage control by pointing women in the truly Godly direction b) correct and rebuke someone who claims to be a sister in the faith and c) counter misleading stories with stories of my own life that show the errors of her narrow mindset. What I did not expect to happen was to be blocked. Yes, I was blocked. Now, to be fair, I don’t know if it’s because Mrs. Alexander blocked me or if Facebook thought I was a bot, but that does not change the outcome. I can still read her posts and read the comments, but I can no longer comment or react in any way to them on her page. I have never had that happen before. I was bewildered and amused. I always thought that kind of thing happened to people who were jerks, volatile and “trolls”. I never expected that to happen to me.

All of that was just the beginning. I posted about this experience, mostly because I was amused by it. Again, I’ve never had that happen before and I never thought of myself as the type to experience that kind of action. After I posted about it I thought that would be the end. We’d all have a good laugh and be done. Nope. Several of my friends asked me to write a counter-blog to this woman’s posts. I thanked them for their support and let them know I didn’t really intend to do that. I mean, I don’t have a huge audience (if any), what would be the point? But then I got a private message from  a good friend of mine; someone who, honestly, I want to be like when I grow up. She asked that I retype the things I had said to this woman and share it publically so that it could be shared. It really meant a lot to me that she felt my response was valuable enough to share. Because of that, I am going to share what I said. However, I want to go further than just sharing summaries of what I said. Since I have the infinite space of a blog to expand my thoughts, it seems wiser to share all I would have said if I had been at my computer vs. commenting by the glow of my phone at 11 PM (when I should have been sleeping).

I ignored several of her posts, mostly because I felt like it was a disagreement over an opinion but not an egregious issue but there were several others I felt compelled to comment on due to the damage they could do and knowing the harm it has caused my heart in the past to hear such things. I will not post, in full, everything that she said. Instead, I call out key points she makes throughout her facebook page and blog

So here we go. Hold on to your butts.

The gist of the article that started this journey is that women should remain virgins, avoid college and avoid tattoos. All of this is said with the intent of ensuring they are godly wives and attracting a husband. Please allow me to start by being crystal clear on a few things.

1.       It is godly for women (and men) to be virgins when entering into marriage. This is not bad advice.

2.       It is wise to be debt free.

The issues I take with her “advice” are not these two statements. Below I will break down what advice she gives in that article (and beyond) and why it is manipulative, dangerous, and wrong!

Key takeaways from the article:

·         Secular colleges are detrimental to impressionable young women. They teach against God of the Bible and His ways.

·         Going to college will lead women to be independent, loud and immodest.

·         The Bible calls upon women to have meek and quiet spirits and be submissive.

·         Men aren’t attracted to women with debt (which will happen if you go to college)

·         Men prefer women who still live at home and have never been in any kind of relationship before them.

·         Following her advice will make you “highly sought after”

·         Going to college means you are less likely to choose to stay at home and raise children

·         Going to college means your husband will need to spend years reprogramming your brain so that you are once again acting in a godly manner

·         Going to college means you will start a family later in life and that can cause fertility issues. Having children is the most important thing a woman can ever do.

·         Women will not learn how to cook, clean, sew or learn other homemaking skills necessary to be a truly successful wife.

·         Churches should be ashamed for supporting their ladies going to college

·         Women require the protection of their father until they can be under the protection of their husband

·         Anyone who doesn’t agree with her does not believe the Bible

In other posts she makes the following claims:

·         Spanking children is necessary to teach them to associate sin with pain

·         Women should not worry about their husband’s hurtful behavior as it leads to self-pity which is satanic. Women should do nothing to correct their husband

·         Women should not expect their husbands to help around the house as that should be their pride and joy to do those things

·         God commands us to be fruitful and multiply. Being barren is a curse, so if you are barren, that is God’s punishment on you. This also means women should not use birth control or choose to limit how many children they have

·         Women are to be married and have children. Doing otherwise is against God’s word

·         Women are not to submit to any other male authority but their spouse. This means they are not to speak in church or rely on their pastor for answers to questions. They are to only ask their husband and rely on him for guidance

She also goes on to share many stories about women who are “so unhappy” because they chose to go to college, work, be married and have kids. The goal of each of these posts is that the college education and work is what ruined their lives.  The verses she often refers to are found in Titus, Ephesians and 1 Corinthians. However, they’re all grossly taken out of context, both scripturally and culturally.

Here are the key points I attempted to make to her:

·         There are countless women in the Bible who spoke up, stood their ground and were independent. Esther dared approach the King, Lydia was a business woman, Mary (mother of Jesus) dealt with the scandal of being pregnant before marriage, and Ruth stepped out in faith to work in order to support her mother in law. I could go on.

·         College is also NOT evil. There is nothing in the Bible that states a woman is not to have an education. There is nowhere in the Bible that states an educated women is detrimental to being a good mother or wife. If a woman is strong in her faith, any information counter to God’s teaching will be discarded. This will happen regardless of a college education or not.

·         Proverbs 31 shows a woman who thinks for herself and works in and outside of the home.

·         Tattoos are a debatable topic. It is not essential to the gospel and is not a topic that everyone must agree on to live a holy and godly life.

·         Spanking is a punishment. Punishment teaches children what not to do but it does not teach them what they should do. We are called to discipline our children. This is taken from the word disciple. This means we should teach our children in the way that they should go. Spanking is not a mandatory part of that.

·         Jane Austin put it well in her book Emma when she wrote “Men do not want silly wives”

·         The advice provided sets up women to be manipulated and controlled by ungodly and sinful men who manipulate verses about submission (as she does) to keep their wife under their thumb. This is ungodly. This is dangerous. This is spiritual abuse

Beyond just those key points there is more to say. I want to take a look at the verses she refers to often.

Titus 2:3-8:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.

Because this verse calls out children, working at home, and submissive to husbands, Mrs. Alexander takes this to mean that we must have children to be godly, we must only work at home to be godly and we must only learn from our husbands as a form of being submissive and therefore godly.

Let me be clear, being reverent in behavior does not mean not having an opinion of your own and being unwilling to share it. Rebuking someone for their wrong thinking is not slander. Loving your spouse and your children is beautiful and wise but not the end all be all of your whole existence. Submissive to your husband is correct, but submissive does not mean incapable of making or voicing your own decisions or seeking wisdom from other wise people (male or female). For proof of this, go back and read the stories of the women I listed above as they are all beautiful examples of strong and godly women. That’s not even an exhaustive list of the strong women found in God’s sacred word.

Ephesians 6:4

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Again, this is very solid advice. Fathers should be gentle with their children and bring them up to be godly sons and daughters. Why she decides to use this as a means to manipulate it as a way to say “women should raise and nurture the children but men must be the sole contributor to what it means to be godly”… is baffling. I believe her essential point was that women aren’t leaning on their father’s for proper understanding of the Bible…. Which may or may not be true but that doesn’t prove her right or wrong so it’s irrelevant.

1 Corinthians 14:34-35

The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church.

Ladies, this is a big one. She takes a huge left turn here. She is missing a large piece of cultural context. In the early church, you sat around a teacher and not just listened but discussed what was being taught. Much like Sunday school is today. At this point in history, the church was intended to educate men. Jewish men were to memorize and recite scripture. Since a woman would be less likely to understand the topics at hand (being she probably had zero education in that culture) it would have been disruptive for her to be constantly asking questions to “catch up”. It would be wiser to save her questions at home where her husband can take the needed time to help her get up to speed. There is actually something important and beautiful about that process. The point wasn’t that women shouldn’t be educated. God is calling women to be educated, but just not to do it in a way that is distracting and hindering to those already in the know on the topic. That makes sense. When I trained new hires at work, it was difficult to keep the pace going if I had one or two people asking relentless questions because they couldn’t seem to keep up with the rest of the group. It’s a challenge.

Church is no longer structured this way and women have biblical educations from infancy (if raised in Christian homes). Sunday school exists for all to have discussion and if anyone (male or female) asks questions that will take away from the goal for the class, it gets tabled and discussed as a one off later.

Mrs. Alexander uses this verse to emphasize that women should not just be quiet, but not seek out their pastor later for clarification. Because, this verse is ‘very clear’ that women are to only ask their husbands. Couple those verses with the others and she sets up a disaster situation. One in which women must rely solely on their husbands or older women for knowledge on God and godly living.  If their spouse is dead, they will have to go back to relying on their father. If their father is dead, well that only leaves older women. If their spouse has poor understanding (or evil understanding) they are then passing that poor and evil understanding on to her and she has no recourse.

Mrs. Alexander takes an extremely literal view of what the Bible says and anyone who disagrees with her (regardless of their level of seminary education, reliability or gender) is satanic, evil and not to be trusted. This is even worse than the advice she gives as the Bible is clear that being open to advice, challenges to your belief and rebuke from your brothers and sisters is an important part of being a healthy and well-rounded Christian.

Finally, I humbly submitted my own life as an example that you can, in fact, live a happy and godly life while being educated, working full time and having tattoos.

For those who don’t know me or my life, allow me to share. My husband and I met in college. My husband loves that I am opinionated, intelligent and have a heart for God. We both work full time. This is not because we desire to have more. We don’t have a second house, we don’t own a boat, and we don’t take frequent crazy expensive vacations. We work so that we can afford the home we live in, put food on the table, take our kids places on occasion and be stable enough to be obedient to God and expand our family with a foster child (in the near future). Beyond that, I work because I enjoy it. I feel fulfilled and knowing that I can use my skills to contribute to society actually allows me to be a better mom to my children because I can help show them the value of hard work, using your mind, and see women as valuable members of society (outside of the home). While being busy has its seasons of stress, my husband and I rarely fight (honest) and live sacrificially for each other. My husband cooks because he loves to cook (which is good because I find it stressful), he helps with raising the children to be godly, he helps with laundry, cleaning, maintenance on the house and a number of other things. We are a team and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

There is no verse in the Bible that says a man can’t or shouldn’t do those things.

On that note, let me make sure that I’m clear on something else. Women who want to stay at home and raise their children are beautiful. Those who desire to have a lot of children are beautiful. Those who know how to cook and to sew and find great joy in spending their time and energy on their kids are beautiful. One of the things I found most hurtful by Mrs. Alexander’s posts were that she continues to make this an “us vs. them” issue. People who rebuke her must hate stay at home moms. Those who disagree believe that having kids is an awful idea. To not want to stay at home and put your sole function into a family means you hate God and hate those who want to live that way.

I don’t know how I or others can make this any clearer: We love God!  We love those who find joy in staying home with the children. We love those who find joy balancing a career and raising their children. What we don’t love is twisting God’s word or our own and shoving it into this one size fits all legalistic box. What we don’t love is someone taking away all the freedom found in Christ and binding it to an all or nothing law with only one way to interpret it. What we don’t love is seeing someone who claims to be a Christian ignoring the countless godly people (including respected theologians) in order to promote your own uneducated and narrow view. It’s dangerous and it’s sinful.

Finally, allow me to leave you with verses that counter Mrs. Alexander. Hopefully you will find some encouragement.

·         It’s okay to tell your husband he’s sinning in his poor treatment of you – Matthew 18:15-17

·         All are to speak truth to others and being angry or hurt does not have to mean sinning (but guard that it doesn’t lead to that). – Ephesians 4:25-26

·         It is okay to remain unmarried – 1 Corinthians 7:8

·         We are ALL to live self sacrificially. This means that a husband who cooks, cleans, helps care for the kids, etc. is just doing his part of living as a human sacrifice for the sake of his wife. – Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 5:28-29

·         God is not against a working woman – Proverbs 31

·         We all make up the body and the body has different functions, not all women must operate the exact same way.  – Romans 12:4-8

·         There is freedom in Christ; we should not be turning disagreeable opinions into law. – Galatians 5:2-4, Galatians 4:21-31, 2 Corinthians 3:6, Romans 14:14-23

I hope that my words have been encouraging to you and that you can live boldly for Christ knowing that your identity is found in HIM and not in what random bloggers say it’s found in.

An Open Letter to Our Friends & Family

What we need you to know about fostering/adoption (from Amber & Matt Young)

General Information About Foster Care

• ·         We are requesting ages 2-6, female, any race/ethnicity
• ·         We have a few more steps in the licensing process: CPR/First Aid, Mandatory Reporting, Final walk through etc.
• ·         Due to the work being done on our home we do not anticipate a child being placed with us until late November to early December
• ·         We are currently working on furnishing the new child’s room so if you have any of the below (gently) used items we would be grateful:o   Girl beddingo   Toyso   Books

• ·         The average placement lasts about a year, but it could be any amount of time from 1 day to several years.
• ·         A child could be placed for a variety of reasons, but the most common reasons are: medical or food neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.
• ·         While our hope is to adopt, safe reunification with the child’s biological parent(s) is our (and the states) first goal. If the parent keeps falling through with their court-ordered action plan, then parental rights might be terminated (usually after about a year of non-compliance).
• ·         The state’s goal of foster care is also for the child to live with kin versus an unrelated foster parent.
• ·         It is illegal for a foster child to be spanked of physically punished in any way.

Anticipate the Foster Child To….

• ·         Spend time grieving for the loss of their parents, siblings, school, toys, and pets.
• ·         Likely be devastated when first placed in our home (even though we will be elated at our chance to help the child)
• ·         Be very well behaved but become more transparent when the “honeymoon period” expires.
• ·         Act out (shouting, screaming, or bad language). Why? It’s often due to trauma recovery or reactive attachment disorder (not because they need a “good spanking”.)
• ·         Hoard/hide food or toys (possibly steal food or toys) due to past trauma or lack of having enough food.
• ·         Be anxious about being in the restroom due to past trauma.
• ·         Not be very verbal due to being developmentally behind.
• ·         Possibly be vastly more mature or more immature than other kids their age (depending on the type and level of neglect/abuse they may have experienced.)
• ·         Possibly look and act just like any other child! J

Anticipate Us (as Parents) To…

• ·         Appear extremely overprotective with the foster child. Why? Many foster children need a stronger sense of stranger danger, and we also have a much higher legal obligation to be more protective.
• ·         Need a lot of emotional support when the child goes back to the biological parents.
• ·         Be very vague and private about the child’s past and current therapy progress (due to privacy laws)... We cannot share any private information about the child unless it’s something you’d need to know to keep the child safe – this is a legal requirement, like HIPAA for doctors or FERPA for teachers.
• ·         Need your emotional support, prayers, and words of encouragement, as this will be a very hard transition for us, but even harder for the child.
• ·         Not share pictures of the child’s face online due to privacy laws (unless an adoption is finalized)

Ways You Can Help Us

• ·         Pray for us, the child, and the biological parents!
• ·         Pray for God’s will (not our own desires) regarding timeline, child placement, and our role in the child’s life.
• ·         Pray for our boys as they work through this transitional time alongside of us.
• ·         Know that parenting a foster child is drastically different than parenting required for our own children.  Think about how your life was completely changed when you had 9 months to plan for a baby and several more months before they started walking.
• ·         Ask the child about their interests and list of favorites but not questions about their past.  They will share what they are comfortable with when they are ready.
• ·         If you have your own children, please strongly consider the following before sharing that our special visitor is a foster child: your child’s maturity level, ability to keep private information confidential, and your willingness to educate your child about the implications of misspoken words towards a foster child. We understand that children are curious; please see the link below for advice regarding this.
• ·         If you see the child misbehaving, and we don’t see it, please do not reprimand or punish the child in our absence. Because we can’t share the child’s specific history of abuse, current therapy recommendations, or social/behavioral action plan goals, it is important for us to know what happened but be the one to deliver the consequence when possible. Please redirect them, and intervene when their behavior is dangerous to themselves or others if we are not immediately available to intervene.
• ·         We really want to know to know from you if you see misbehavior (or really great behavior) because we need your help in knowing where our child needs support or praise. Let us know because every choice the child makes is an opportunity for us to connect with the child and build trust or lose their trust, and we don’t want to compromise it.

Ways Well Intended People Actually Harm a Foster Child’s Progress

• ·         Ask the child about their past
• ·         Say anything bad about the biological parents (whether in front of the child or not)
• ·         Ask the child about future adoption plans or give false expectations about being with us long term. These are out of our hands, and even if an adoption looks nearly final, there is still a good chance it will fall through if the state finds a relative before the official adoption date.
• ·         Say thing like “you’re so lucky to be with your new family”. It is natural for foster children to grieve the loss of their biological family, even if there was good reason the child was removed from the home. Statements like this can make the child feel guilty about feeling sad or resentful that others do not understand how hard the transition is for them.
• ·         For another foster parent’s perspective on what she wishes other people knew about foster children and foster parenting visit the website: http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/
• ·         For advice from another foster parent in educating or talking with your own children about adoption, visit this­ website:
• http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/07/parents-please-educate-your-kids-about.html?m=1

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

    We've all heard that phrase. It's a famous phrase to justify all forms of physical punishment and it's still used today. It's not the only one used either. I'm sure we can all admit to seeing (or sharing) the pithy facebook memes about how the jails would be empty and kids wouldn't be so bratty and awful today if there were just more spankings or if we could go back to the "good ol' days" where you had to bring your father the "switch".
    I don't fault people for that view. After all, the ones saying it, or posting it are usually level headed contributing members of society who firmly believe that their "butt whoopings" is what shaped them into the grounded and solid citizen they are today. Even I slip into that mentality from time to time. However, when I had kids of my own, my mind slowly started to change. It wasn't immediate, heck, I got "the whacker" out on my youngest less than a year ago due to extreme defiance. But I have noticed that as we work with a different mentality on how to mold well rounded children into well rounded adults our "need" for spanking or other forms of physical punishment have diminished
    Last night's Foster Care class really drove home the importance of moving away from physical punishment. You see, a "punishment" is something you do to stop an immediate behavior and, while that isn't always wrong or bad, it doesn't tell a child what they should be doing, only what they should not be doing. What we, as parents, grandparents, Sunday school teachers and everyone else in charge of a child, are really striving for is to teach our kids. What that takes is discipline... you know, the word that also makes up discipleship! To teach!
    While we strive to do that with our children anyways, it's all the more important of kids in your "special" care. Remember, these kids have not come from safe or consistent environments. You may yell at your child and spank their bottom when they've crossed the predetermined line but for the other child?... that other child was beaten for wetting the bed... or withheld food for spilling milk.... or ignored by their parents until they misbehaved. You may mean well but all you're doing is re-enforcing their preconceived notion that adults can not be trusted to meet their needs or care about/for them.
    This hit hard for Matt and myself. Again, not because we use corporal punishment in our house anymore, but because he has one fear inducing "daddy tone" when he's upset. While I may not have a cringe inducing "mommy tone" I can certainly yell when pushed too far. We both realized that needs to change. Not just for the future kids in our home but for our current kids as well. Think about it for a moment. What are we teaching our kids when we yell at them for being upset with them? We are teaching them how to handle conflict. We are teaching them how to handle their emotions. We are doing that by example. There are times to be firm, there are times when the line must be drawn... But does that mean yelling? How well does that work for us in conflicts with other adults? When we spank (outside of for safety reasons, like smacking the hand to keep it form touching flames) what are we teaching our kids about conflict resolution? Is it appropriate to punch or "spank" adults when we're mad at them for not doing what we expect? I know that sounds silly but really think about that for a second. We are charged with raising children into adults. We are charged with the difficult task of setting the example for them on how to handle their own conflicts. That's not an easy task and we can't afford to take short cuts.
    Last night's class really delved into a slew of discipline options to help get a child on track while teaching them what they should do.... And, honestly, it's stuff that I see a lot of parents already doing. It's really stuff even our own parents did (minus the spanking, soap in the mouth etc.) Have you ever had your mother or father say "you can have desert, once you've eaten your broccoli." ? Have you ever had your Grandma say "Taking that gum was wrong. I'm going to take you back to the store and have you return it to them and apologize to make things right." and then get the big lecture about why it's wrong? How about being sent to your room to calm down and then get a talking to once all sides have had a chance to calm down? How about the time your mom or dad took you out for ice cream just because they realized that you needed extra attention? Or the time your dad didn't come to the rescue on that school project you put off and allowed you to deal with the natural consequence of that?  Those are all things that teach kids right behavior, build trust and still allow for consequences.
   Thinking hard about last night I realized, the jails aren't full because kids aren't being spanked anymore. School shootings aren't happening because kids are entitled brats who need the belt to their butt. The jails are full because we are broken by sin. When people say that they think kids need to be "spanked" is that we want kids to be better disciplined. Spanking isn't discipline, it's punishment. As a parent, what do I want? Do I want to stop a behavior? Or do I want to teach my kids the behavior I wish to see from them?Do I want to teach my child that the answer to being disappointed or angry is to hit or do I want to teach them how to handle life's disappointments with grace, humility and the natural consequences of our choices?
I know it's a touchy subject and saying "spanking isn't best" can lead to heated debates but we can all agree that we want our children to become loving and responsible adults who contribute to society (and God's kingdom) in positive ways. Maybe it's time we really take an honest look at our upbringing and re-evaluate what message we received from our parents when the wooden spoon came out and think about what message we're sending to our own kids.

Not your typical blog post

This is not something I would typically blog about.. And honestly, I'm not really blogging about it now.
The point of me posting the below letter is so that my friends and family have a website they can come to, copy and paste the message, and send it to their senators and congressmen so that action can be taken on this important topic.

Message:

The topic of the 2^nd Amendment and Gun Control/Rights has not been so heavily in the news as it has been since 2/14/18. Politicians everywhere are receiving pressure, from all sides of the debate, to act and act swiftly.

There is something, however, very important that both sides are missing and it’s that middle ground. Alexander Hamilton once said “The constitution shall never be construed… to prevent the people of the United Sates who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms.” Should we banish all guns? No. However, as Hamilton pointed out, it is the peaceable citizens that should be allowed to keep their own arms. Currently the laws for obtaining a weapon vary from state to state. But there is one thing in common: the only thing determining if someone is “peaceable” is whether or not they have a clean record. In some states you don’t even have to have a truly clean record. In Wisconsin you can’t own a fire arm if you have been convicted several times and if you take a plea deal that doesn’t count as being convicted which extends the amount of time a violent person has to purchase a gun before that right is stripped.

James Madison wrote “A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Again, we are missing a key phrase in his statement: “well-regulated”. Once again, we live in a time where there is very little regulation on who can purchase guns. In many places obtaining a concealed carry permit requires a possible 2 hour course and a clean background check and nothing more. There is no course to prove you learned anything from that class. No testing to confirm that you are peaceable and responsible enough to carry the burden of owning such a weapon. There is little to no regulation at all.

When men and women enter the military or the police force, they go through rigorous training to ensure they will be able to handle their heavy responsibility. Many Police Officers receive over 110 hours of gun training alone. While I am not advocating for this level of training, we are doing a huge disservice to our citizens and this country to require no training for gun owners.

When the Founding Fathers wrote the 2^nd amendment, almost everyone owned a gun. Almost everyone understood the weight of that burden and had entire lifetimes of use with them. That is no longer the case. We now live in a time and a culture where a 40 year old can go and purchase a gun without ever seeing one handled in person or without having any training on how to handle the one they are purchasing. We have romanticized the gun and its power and have failed to emphasize how heavy a responsibility owning one is.

It is time we return to what the Founding Father’s said about guns and hold true to it. We need to ensure peaceable and well-regulated individuals are allowed their right to bear arms and non-peaceable and non-regulated individuals are not. The best way to do this is to require any and all citizens wishing to purchase a firearm of any type to go through proper training, including psychological screening to ensure they will be responsible. Once they have passed that test they would be allowed to purchase any legal fire arm with the stipulation that they must pass the test again every 5 years in order to maintain the right to own their firearms.

This should not offend the peace loving citizen that Alexander Hamilton spoke of as they should want to know that any and all of their fellow armed citizens are just as responsible and capable as they are. It would also bring confidence to those who choose to not be armed as they will know the person who is armed has proven they are trustworthy.

This should not offend the well-regulated citizen that James Madison had in mind when he penned this amendment as they will have the well placed confidence that they can handle an emergency when the time comes. It will also bring about confidence to the non-carrying citizen as they will know that the person coming to the rescue really does know what they are doing with that fire arm.

Peaceable and Well-regulated citizens are what we are missing in this current age of gun rights. It is time to bring that back. We must require gun owners to go through training to prove that they are peaceable and well-regulated as the Founding Fathers stated.

Sincerely- 

The Impact on Generations.

Adoption:

It's January in Puerto Rico and a young woman is realizing that she is pregnant.... again! This should be a time of joy but instead she's terrified. You see, she's not married. Worse, the father of this child is already married and is not interested in leaving his wife for her. Abortion is not an option, for so many reasons. 1) it's 1959, and abortion is not something you talk about or can do safely. 2) It's Puerto Rico and like most Puerto Ricans she comes from a strong Catholic family who would never be okay with that. But she has to do something. She decides to check with her parents. Perhaps they will take this one in and raise it just like they did it's older sister.

She goes and asks... But they say no. They're old now and are already raising her daughter from the same affair. However, they also know that she is not capable of raising children on her own. Her IQ is low and her prospects in life are bleak. They care for her but tell her she will have to give the child up for adoption.

In October of 1959, my Tita placed my mother into the hands of nuns to be put up for adoption. Shortly afterwards my mother was adopted to an Irish couple from California and raised as their own. She grew up healthy and full of life. She married the love of her life in 1980, had two children and now has 5 grandchildren that she also loves.

You see, because my Great Grandparents encouraged, pressured and supported Tita in giving my mother up for adoption, I am here today. Because she did not panic and wallow in sorrow over what had happened and seek a back alley abortion, my children are here today. Because of her courage to face the eyes of judgmental people there now exists a lineage of proud, loving and giving people who are forever indebted to her and her parents. She may have had a below average IQ. She may have conceived my Mother and my Aunt through dubious and morally wrong circumstances but she was smart enough to see the value in life and she was blessed enough to know that two wrongs don't make a right.

When I was 14 I was blessed enough to meet her in person. She was small and frail but her smile was big and her heart was bigger. I remember her hugging me tight and covering me in kisses. I remember her crying with joy at meeting my mother, her daughter. It was the most beautiful thing I could have imagined. She was able to see that life was worth it and it was beautiful.

Abortion:

When my mother was 17 she became pregnant by her, then, boyfriend. She was scared, but she valued life and had planned to keep it (maybe even give it up for adoption). However, her mother would not allow it. Her mother was ashamed of what had happened. "Like hell you'll have that child" was her response. Her mother made it clear, "You have that child and you won't have a home to live in". My mother was terrified, shamed and broken. She was only 17, where would she go?  With a broken heart she went to the abortion clinic and allowed the doctor to kill the life growing inside of her. She has never forgotten the pain of that day.

Because my Nana could not see her own irony (benefiting from adoption and yet not allowing another family to benefit from it) a life was ended. Because my Nana could not value life above the power of rumor mills and gossip mongers, I have lost out on a half brother or sister. My mother has lost out on the chance to have saved not just that child but future generations. They don't exist now. They won't exist now.

It breaks my heart and I think about it often. I think of how big our family might be if he/she had been allowed to live and given up for adoption; How rich our family culture could possibly be by continuing the beautiful and sacrificial gift of adoption.

You see, when people talk about adoption, it's very personal to me and when people talk about abortion it is also very personal to me. I feel the impact of both every day.
When people talk about the merits or pitfalls of adoption they tend to stop at just the current generation, but I see beyond that. I see all the potential of not just that child but it's children and it's children's children. I see all of that because I live that... And when people talk of abortion as if it's not that big of a deal, as if it's a good choice whenever the mother wants it to be a good choice... As if it will only impact that one life... I live that too. Because my mom's abortion impacted me and it impacted my children (even if they're too young to know about it or understand it). In either case, the impact of the decision doesn't stop at the woman or the child, it's a ripple effect that impacts generations. We need to see that when we have these discussions. We need to see that these paths leave marks on more than just the first person it touches. Let's make sure we are leaving good ripples. Let's do what we can to love one another and love life.