When you say "I can't" and God says "You can."

Reasons I can not be a missionary:
1) I have trouble controlling my tongue.
2) I'm fiercely independent.
3) I love my job.
4) I don't want to eat weird food.
5) I don't want to be far away from my family and friends (including church family).
6) I can't learn another language.
7) I'm too proud to ask for money.
8) Speaking of which, we have debt.
9) I can be a gossip sometimes.
10) I can hold grudges.
11) I don't have a great relationship with my atheist brother.
12) I'm snarky.
13) I'm not good at those typical missionary women things (home schooling, sewing, cooking, baking, being quiet and looking pretty, singing, staying at home, leading a women's bible study etc.)
14) I'm not good at praying out lout.
15) I don't read my bible every day.
16) I don't pray with the kids every night.

I could keep going on and on for quite a while, but I think that should paint a clear enough picture. For all of my life I have been a creature of habit, only venturing out when it suits me. I always thought living in another country might be fun, but only if I had to give up little. Missions would mean God was asking me to give up a lot and, well, that was just plain out in my mind. My husband is another story all together though.
Matt has had missions on his heart for quite some time. He actually chose his current career (plumbing) so that he could be useful no matter what country God led us to. Because I love him, and I'm open to possibilities (even if it's just a crack) I explored thoughts of mission work with him. We prayed for missionaries, we took a class called "Perspectives" (which is all about missions and what's going on in the field) two times. Each time, Matt was more pumped then ever and I was left shrugging my shoulders. "Only if my list of demands is met," was my thinking. Even then, I went on two missions trips (without Matt) to our friends up north in Canada and, even with that experience I shrugged my shoulders. Matt dropped it. He knows better than to try and push me into something. I'll only resist harder. Plus, we both agreed that if it was right, God would change my heart. So I kept banking on God doing nothing about it and Matt kept praying that God would.

God won.

A few months back I was reading up on my missionary friends, Sam and Anna. They are helping with the Geneses Trust down in Port Shepstone, South Africa. I've been following their journey for a while now, and boy has it been a journey, but something stirred in me for the first time. A tiny whisper "I could do that. We could be a part of that." I shook it off. I just miss Sam and Anna. I like the idea of being near the ocean. I like the idea of no snow. That's all this was. South Africa isn't safe. You yield at stop lights at night to prevent yourself from being an easy target to car jackers. As a woman, I can't just go hang out and have quiet time at an empty beach. We would need dogs for security reasons, and the dogs would have to come in at night so they don't get poisoned. The AIDS rate is high as it all sorts of petty crime. I'm used to being independent. I'm used to not worrying about my kids wandering around or leaving the dogs out for a while at night. I haven't locked my car doors in years (I never keep anything valuable in there anyways). Going there would be ridiculous.
Then a little later, our Pastor made an announcement about Sam and Anna coming and I felt another stirring in my heart. "Oh just be quiet, Amber" I continued to keep it quiet. I knew better, it had to just be because I'm missing Sam and Anna. I'm just itching for an adventure, that's all it is.

Yet when Sam and Anna showed up and shared with everyone about what they've been up to and what they're working towards, I couldn't keep quiet anymore. I grabbed a little piece of paper and wrote "I think I would be open to us going to help Sam and Anna." and I nervously handed it to Matt. Let's just say that Matt was over the moon about this. We had Sam and Anna over and drilled them with questions. Later that week we met with their South African Pastor, Trevor, and drilled him with questions. It's been a bit of a whirl wind since then. In a good way.

My excitement and anxiety has continued to build, for all of the great things that come to mind, 10 equally scary or bad things come to mind. The big ones being the safety issues and the ever growing list I put above. However, each time those things find a voice, God silences them with His words. Think of every major player in the Bible (with the exception of Christ), all of them were EXTREMELY flawed. Some worse than others. There were liars, adulterers, cheaters, thieves and murders among them and yet God used them all. It's the flawed people that God uses. Then there have been the following verses that have come to mind:

Matthew 10:37 "Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me"

2 Timothy 1: 7-8 "for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God,"
We are currently working on taking an exploratory trip for the month of June and, already, God is helping shape me and teach me on how this works. 

1) Patience- Yes, we've set up a Gofundme page but that's a slow process. For a control freak like me, that's difficult when you want to just book and reserve everything immediately to ensure smooth sailing.

2) More Patience- While our parents have done an excellent job of keeping their fears on the more quiet end and their support on the more vocal end, not everyone has been that way. From relatives who are convinced we will need flame throwers on our cars to keep us safe, to kid friends telling the boys that they will get Ebola and killed by ISIS. 

3) Even MORE Patience- It's difficult to stay focused on the moment. Thoughts keep running towards what we should do after June. If it works out, will we sell our house? What will we do with our dogs? How will we handle school? We'll have to quit Scouts... We need to find an organization to work through. How long will this all take? How will our kids handle the long wait let alone the transition they'll be going through? How will we fund the training I will want to take? Maybe I should start looking into those things now.... No, I need to wait. One thing at a time.

And so, we wait. We wait and we pray and we pray and we wait. We are in God's hands and will wait on his timing.