There has been a lot of buzz on
social media swirling around Lori Alexander (otherwise known as “The
Transformed Wife”). The hub bub has
mostly been in response to a recent blog article she posted titled “Men prefer
Debt free virgins without tattoos”. According
to her “about” page on Facebook her intent is: Learning about marriage, raising children, homemaking, and being a
godly woman who desires to be transformed into the image of Christ! Meaning
she has the intention of teaching women what it means to be a godly wife and
mother. While this is a noble goal for any Christian woman, a few minutes
scrolling her page and reading her blogs left me scratching my head. Her
teachings are narrowly focused, unbiblical and, quite frankly, spiritually
abusive.
Once I found her facebook page I
found myself scrolling through and reading her posts and instinctively feeling
the urge to comment on the most egregious ones. My intent was not to be abusive
or to be a troll but a) to attempt damage control by pointing women in the
truly Godly direction b) correct and rebuke someone who claims to be a sister
in the faith and c) counter misleading stories with stories of my own life that
show the errors of her narrow mindset. What I did not expect to happen was to
be blocked. Yes, I was blocked. Now, to be fair, I don’t know if it’s because
Mrs. Alexander blocked me or if Facebook thought I was a bot, but that does not
change the outcome. I can still read her posts and read the comments, but I can
no longer comment or react in any way to them on her page. I have never had
that happen before. I was bewildered and amused. I always thought that kind of
thing happened to people who were jerks, volatile and “trolls”. I never
expected that to happen to me.
All of that was just the beginning.
I posted about this experience, mostly because I was amused by it. Again, I’ve
never had that happen before and I never thought of myself as the type to
experience that kind of action. After I posted about it I thought that would be
the end. We’d all have a good laugh and be done. Nope. Several of my friends
asked me to write a counter-blog to this woman’s posts. I thanked them for
their support and let them know I didn’t really intend to do that. I mean, I
don’t have a huge audience (if any), what would be the point? But then I got a
private message from a good friend of
mine; someone who, honestly, I want to be like when I grow up. She asked that I
retype the things I had said to this woman and share it publically so that it
could be shared. It really meant a lot to me that she felt my response was
valuable enough to share. Because of that, I am going to share what I said.
However, I want to go further than just sharing summaries of what I said. Since
I have the infinite space of a blog to expand my thoughts, it seems wiser to
share all I would have said if I had been at my computer vs. commenting by the
glow of my phone at 11 PM (when I should have been sleeping).
I ignored several of her posts,
mostly because I felt like it was a disagreement over an opinion but not an
egregious issue but there were several others I felt compelled to comment on
due to the damage they could do and knowing the harm it has caused my heart in
the past to hear such things. I will not post, in full, everything that she said.
Instead, I call out key points she makes throughout her facebook page and blog
So here
we go. Hold on to your butts.
The
gist of the article that started this journey is that women should remain
virgins, avoid college and avoid tattoos. All of this is said with the intent
of ensuring they are godly wives and attracting a husband. Please allow me to
start by being crystal clear on a few things.
1.
It is
godly for women (and men) to be virgins when entering into marriage. This is
not bad advice.
2.
It is
wise to be debt free.
The
issues I take with her “advice” are not these two statements. Below I will
break down what advice she gives in that article (and beyond) and why it is
manipulative, dangerous, and wrong!
Key
takeaways from the article:
·
Secular
colleges are detrimental to impressionable young women. They teach against God
of the Bible and His ways.
·
Going
to college will lead women to be independent, loud and immodest.
·
The
Bible calls upon women to have meek and quiet spirits and be submissive.
·
Men
aren’t attracted to women with debt (which will happen if you go to college)
·
Men
prefer women who still live at home and have never been in any kind of
relationship before them.
·
Following
her advice will make you “highly sought after”
·
Going
to college means you are less likely to choose to stay at home and raise
children
·
Going
to college means your husband will need to spend years reprogramming your brain
so that you are once again acting in a godly manner
·
Going
to college means you will start a family later in life and that can cause
fertility issues. Having children is the most important thing a woman can ever
do.
·
Women
will not learn how to cook, clean, sew or learn other homemaking skills
necessary to be a truly successful wife.
·
Churches
should be ashamed for supporting their ladies going to college
·
Women
require the protection of their father until they can be under the protection
of their husband
·
Anyone
who doesn’t agree with her does not believe the Bible
In
other posts she makes the following claims:
·
Spanking
children is necessary to teach them to associate sin with pain
·
Women
should not worry about their husband’s hurtful behavior as it leads to
self-pity which is satanic. Women should do nothing to correct their husband
·
Women
should not expect their husbands to help around the house as that should be
their pride and joy to do those things
·
God
commands us to be fruitful and multiply. Being barren is a curse, so if you are
barren, that is God’s punishment on you. This also means women should not use
birth control or choose to limit how many children they have
·
Women
are to be married and have children. Doing otherwise is against God’s word
·
Women
are not to submit to any other male authority but their spouse. This means they
are not to speak in church or rely on their pastor for answers to questions.
They are to only ask their husband and rely on him for guidance
She
also goes on to share many stories about women who are “so unhappy” because
they chose to go to college, work, be married and have kids. The goal of each
of these posts is that the college education and work is what ruined their
lives. The verses she often refers to
are found in Titus, Ephesians and 1 Corinthians. However, they’re all grossly
taken out of context, both scripturally and culturally.
Here
are the key points I attempted to make to her:
·
There
are countless women in the Bible who spoke up, stood their ground and were
independent. Esther dared approach the King, Lydia was a business woman, Mary
(mother of Jesus) dealt with the scandal of being pregnant before marriage, and
Ruth stepped out in faith to work in order to support her mother in law. I
could go on.
·
College
is also NOT evil. There is nothing in the Bible that states a woman is not to
have an education. There is nowhere in the Bible that states an educated women
is detrimental to being a good mother or wife. If a woman is strong in her
faith, any information counter to God’s teaching will be discarded. This will
happen regardless of a college education or not.
·
Proverbs
31 shows a woman who thinks for herself and works in and outside of the home.
·
Tattoos
are a debatable topic. It is not essential to the gospel and is not a topic
that everyone must agree on to live a holy and godly life.
·
Spanking
is a punishment. Punishment teaches children what not to do but it does not
teach them what they should do. We are called to discipline our children. This
is taken from the word disciple. This means we should teach our children in the
way that they should go. Spanking is not a mandatory part of that.
·
Jane
Austin put it well in her book Emma when she wrote “Men do not want silly
wives”
·
The
advice provided sets up women to be manipulated and controlled by ungodly and
sinful men who manipulate verses about submission (as she does) to keep their
wife under their thumb. This is ungodly. This is dangerous. This is spiritual
abuse
Beyond
just those key points there is more to say. I want to take a look at the verses
she refers to often.
Titus
2:3-8:
Older
women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much
wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love
their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home,
kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be
reviled.
Because
this verse calls out children, working at home, and submissive to husbands,
Mrs. Alexander takes this to mean that we must have children to be godly, we
must only work at home to be godly and we must only learn from our husbands as
a form of being submissive and therefore godly.
Let me
be clear, being reverent in behavior does not mean not having an opinion of
your own and being unwilling to share it. Rebuking someone for their wrong
thinking is not slander. Loving your spouse and your children is beautiful and
wise but not the end all be all of your whole existence. Submissive to your
husband is correct, but submissive does not mean incapable of making or voicing
your own decisions or seeking wisdom from other wise people (male or female).
For proof of this, go back and read the stories of the women I listed above as
they are all beautiful examples of strong and godly women. That’s not even an
exhaustive list of the strong women found in God’s sacred word.
Ephesians
6:4
Fathers,
do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord.
Again,
this is very solid advice. Fathers should be gentle with their children and
bring them up to be godly sons and daughters. Why she decides to use this as a
means to manipulate it as a way to say “women should raise and nurture the
children but men must be the sole contributor to what it means to be godly”… is
baffling. I believe her essential point was that women aren’t leaning on their
father’s for proper understanding of the Bible…. Which may or may not be true
but that doesn’t prove her right or wrong so it’s irrelevant.
1
Corinthians 14:34-35
The
women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak,
but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they
desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a
woman to speak in church.
Ladies,
this is a big one. She takes a huge left turn here. She is missing a large
piece of cultural context. In the early church, you sat around a teacher and
not just listened but discussed what was being taught. Much like Sunday school
is today. At this point in history, the church was intended to educate men.
Jewish men were to memorize and recite scripture. Since a woman would be less
likely to understand the topics at hand (being she probably had zero education
in that culture) it would have been disruptive for her to be constantly asking
questions to “catch up”. It would be wiser to save her questions at home where
her husband can take the needed time to help her get up to speed. There is
actually something important and beautiful about that process. The point wasn’t
that women shouldn’t be educated. God is calling women to be educated, but just
not to do it in a way that is distracting and hindering to those already in the
know on the topic. That makes sense. When I trained new hires at work, it was
difficult to keep the pace going if I had one or two people asking relentless
questions because they couldn’t seem to keep up with the rest of the group.
It’s a challenge.
Church
is no longer structured this way and women have biblical educations from
infancy (if raised in Christian homes). Sunday school exists for all to have
discussion and if anyone (male or female) asks questions that will take away from
the goal for the class, it gets tabled and discussed as a one off later.
Mrs.
Alexander uses this verse to emphasize that women should not just be quiet, but
not seek out their pastor later for clarification. Because, this verse is ‘very
clear’ that women are to only ask their husbands. Couple those verses with the
others and she sets up a disaster situation. One in which women must rely
solely on their husbands or older women for knowledge on God and godly
living. If their spouse is dead, they
will have to go back to relying on their father. If their father is dead, well
that only leaves older women. If their spouse has poor understanding (or evil
understanding) they are then passing that poor and evil understanding on to her
and she has no recourse.
Mrs.
Alexander takes an extremely literal view of what the Bible says and anyone who
disagrees with her (regardless of their level of seminary education,
reliability or gender) is satanic, evil and not to be trusted. This is even
worse than the advice she gives as the Bible is clear that being open to
advice, challenges to your belief and rebuke from your brothers and sisters is
an important part of being a healthy and well-rounded Christian.
Finally,
I humbly submitted my own life as an example that you can, in fact, live a
happy and godly life while being educated, working full time and having
tattoos.
For
those who don’t know me or my life, allow me to share. My husband and I met in
college. My husband loves that I am opinionated, intelligent and have a heart
for God. We both work full time. This is not because we desire to have more. We
don’t have a second house, we don’t own a boat, and we don’t take frequent
crazy expensive vacations. We work so that we can afford the home we live in,
put food on the table, take our kids places on occasion and be stable enough to
be obedient to God and expand our family with a foster child (in the near
future). Beyond that, I work because I enjoy it. I feel fulfilled and knowing
that I can use my skills to contribute to society actually allows me to be a
better mom to my children because I can help show them the value of hard work,
using your mind, and see women as valuable members of society (outside of the
home). While being busy has its seasons of stress, my husband and I rarely
fight (honest) and live sacrificially for each other. My husband cooks because
he loves to cook (which is good because I find it stressful), he helps with
raising the children to be godly, he helps with laundry, cleaning, maintenance
on the house and a number of other things. We are a team and we wouldn’t have
it any other way.
There
is no verse in the Bible that says a man can’t or shouldn’t do those things.
On that
note, let me make sure that I’m clear on something else. Women who want to stay
at home and raise their children are beautiful. Those who desire to have a lot
of children are beautiful. Those who know how to cook and to sew and find great
joy in spending their time and energy on their kids are beautiful. One of the
things I found most hurtful by Mrs. Alexander’s posts were that she continues
to make this an “us vs. them” issue. People who rebuke her must hate stay at
home moms. Those who disagree believe that having kids is an awful idea. To not
want to stay at home and put your sole function into a family means you hate
God and hate those who want to live that way.
I don’t
know how I or others can make this any clearer: We love God! We love those who find joy in staying home
with the children. We love those who find joy balancing a career and raising
their children. What we don’t love is twisting God’s word or our own and
shoving it into this one size fits all legalistic box. What we don’t love is
someone taking away all the freedom found in Christ and binding it to an all or
nothing law with only one way to interpret it. What we don’t love is seeing
someone who claims to be a Christian ignoring the countless godly people
(including respected theologians) in order to promote your own uneducated and
narrow view. It’s dangerous and it’s sinful.
Finally,
allow me to leave you with verses that counter Mrs. Alexander. Hopefully you
will find some encouragement.
·
It’s
okay to tell your husband he’s sinning in his poor treatment of you – Matthew
18:15-17
·
All are
to speak truth to others and being angry or hurt does not have to mean sinning
(but guard that it doesn’t lead to that). – Ephesians 4:25-26
·
It is
okay to remain unmarried – 1 Corinthians 7:8
·
We are
ALL to live self sacrificially. This means that a husband who cooks, cleans,
helps care for the kids, etc. is just doing his part of living as a human
sacrifice for the sake of his wife. – Philippians 2:3-4, Ephesians 5:28-29
·
God is
not against a working woman – Proverbs 31
·
We all
make up the body and the body has different functions, not all women must
operate the exact same way. – Romans
12:4-8
·
There
is freedom in Christ; we should not be turning disagreeable opinions into law.
– Galatians 5:2-4, Galatians 4:21-31, 2 Corinthians 3:6, Romans 14:14-23
I hope
that my words have been encouraging to you and that you can live boldly for
Christ knowing that your identity is found in HIM and not in what random
bloggers say it’s found in.
