An Open Letter to Our Friends & Family

What we need you to know about fostering/adoption (from Amber & Matt Young)

General Information About Foster Care

• ·         We are requesting ages 2-6, female, any race/ethnicity
• ·         We have a few more steps in the licensing process: CPR/First Aid, Mandatory Reporting, Final walk through etc.
• ·         Due to the work being done on our home we do not anticipate a child being placed with us until late November to early December
• ·         We are currently working on furnishing the new child’s room so if you have any of the below (gently) used items we would be grateful:o   Girl beddingo   Toyso   Books

• ·         The average placement lasts about a year, but it could be any amount of time from 1 day to several years.
• ·         A child could be placed for a variety of reasons, but the most common reasons are: medical or food neglect, physical abuse, and sexual abuse.
• ·         While our hope is to adopt, safe reunification with the child’s biological parent(s) is our (and the states) first goal. If the parent keeps falling through with their court-ordered action plan, then parental rights might be terminated (usually after about a year of non-compliance).
• ·         The state’s goal of foster care is also for the child to live with kin versus an unrelated foster parent.
• ·         It is illegal for a foster child to be spanked of physically punished in any way.

Anticipate the Foster Child To….

• ·         Spend time grieving for the loss of their parents, siblings, school, toys, and pets.
• ·         Likely be devastated when first placed in our home (even though we will be elated at our chance to help the child)
• ·         Be very well behaved but become more transparent when the “honeymoon period” expires.
• ·         Act out (shouting, screaming, or bad language). Why? It’s often due to trauma recovery or reactive attachment disorder (not because they need a “good spanking”.)
• ·         Hoard/hide food or toys (possibly steal food or toys) due to past trauma or lack of having enough food.
• ·         Be anxious about being in the restroom due to past trauma.
• ·         Not be very verbal due to being developmentally behind.
• ·         Possibly be vastly more mature or more immature than other kids their age (depending on the type and level of neglect/abuse they may have experienced.)
• ·         Possibly look and act just like any other child! J

Anticipate Us (as Parents) To…

• ·         Appear extremely overprotective with the foster child. Why? Many foster children need a stronger sense of stranger danger, and we also have a much higher legal obligation to be more protective.
• ·         Need a lot of emotional support when the child goes back to the biological parents.
• ·         Be very vague and private about the child’s past and current therapy progress (due to privacy laws)... We cannot share any private information about the child unless it’s something you’d need to know to keep the child safe – this is a legal requirement, like HIPAA for doctors or FERPA for teachers.
• ·         Need your emotional support, prayers, and words of encouragement, as this will be a very hard transition for us, but even harder for the child.
• ·         Not share pictures of the child’s face online due to privacy laws (unless an adoption is finalized)

Ways You Can Help Us

• ·         Pray for us, the child, and the biological parents!
• ·         Pray for God’s will (not our own desires) regarding timeline, child placement, and our role in the child’s life.
• ·         Pray for our boys as they work through this transitional time alongside of us.
• ·         Know that parenting a foster child is drastically different than parenting required for our own children.  Think about how your life was completely changed when you had 9 months to plan for a baby and several more months before they started walking.
• ·         Ask the child about their interests and list of favorites but not questions about their past.  They will share what they are comfortable with when they are ready.
• ·         If you have your own children, please strongly consider the following before sharing that our special visitor is a foster child: your child’s maturity level, ability to keep private information confidential, and your willingness to educate your child about the implications of misspoken words towards a foster child. We understand that children are curious; please see the link below for advice regarding this.
• ·         If you see the child misbehaving, and we don’t see it, please do not reprimand or punish the child in our absence. Because we can’t share the child’s specific history of abuse, current therapy recommendations, or social/behavioral action plan goals, it is important for us to know what happened but be the one to deliver the consequence when possible. Please redirect them, and intervene when their behavior is dangerous to themselves or others if we are not immediately available to intervene.
• ·         We really want to know to know from you if you see misbehavior (or really great behavior) because we need your help in knowing where our child needs support or praise. Let us know because every choice the child makes is an opportunity for us to connect with the child and build trust or lose their trust, and we don’t want to compromise it.

Ways Well Intended People Actually Harm a Foster Child’s Progress

• ·         Ask the child about their past
• ·         Say anything bad about the biological parents (whether in front of the child or not)
• ·         Ask the child about future adoption plans or give false expectations about being with us long term. These are out of our hands, and even if an adoption looks nearly final, there is still a good chance it will fall through if the state finds a relative before the official adoption date.
• ·         Say thing like “you’re so lucky to be with your new family”. It is natural for foster children to grieve the loss of their biological family, even if there was good reason the child was removed from the home. Statements like this can make the child feel guilty about feeling sad or resentful that others do not understand how hard the transition is for them.
• ·         For another foster parent’s perspective on what she wishes other people knew about foster children and foster parenting visit the website: http://scienceblogs.com/casaubonsbook/2013/03/12/what-foster-parents-wish-other-people-knew/
• ·         For advice from another foster parent in educating or talking with your own children about adoption, visit this­ website:
• http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/07/parents-please-educate-your-kids-about.html?m=1