The Impact on Generations.

Adoption:

It's January in Puerto Rico and a young woman is realizing that she is pregnant.... again! This should be a time of joy but instead she's terrified. You see, she's not married. Worse, the father of this child is already married and is not interested in leaving his wife for her. Abortion is not an option, for so many reasons. 1) it's 1959, and abortion is not something you talk about or can do safely. 2) It's Puerto Rico and like most Puerto Ricans she comes from a strong Catholic family who would never be okay with that. But she has to do something. She decides to check with her parents. Perhaps they will take this one in and raise it just like they did it's older sister.

She goes and asks... But they say no. They're old now and are already raising her daughter from the same affair. However, they also know that she is not capable of raising children on her own. Her IQ is low and her prospects in life are bleak. They care for her but tell her she will have to give the child up for adoption.

In October of 1959, my Tita placed my mother into the hands of nuns to be put up for adoption. Shortly afterwards my mother was adopted to an Irish couple from California and raised as their own. She grew up healthy and full of life. She married the love of her life in 1980, had two children and now has 5 grandchildren that she also loves.

You see, because my Great Grandparents encouraged, pressured and supported Tita in giving my mother up for adoption, I am here today. Because she did not panic and wallow in sorrow over what had happened and seek a back alley abortion, my children are here today. Because of her courage to face the eyes of judgmental people there now exists a lineage of proud, loving and giving people who are forever indebted to her and her parents. She may have had a below average IQ. She may have conceived my Mother and my Aunt through dubious and morally wrong circumstances but she was smart enough to see the value in life and she was blessed enough to know that two wrongs don't make a right.

When I was 14 I was blessed enough to meet her in person. She was small and frail but her smile was big and her heart was bigger. I remember her hugging me tight and covering me in kisses. I remember her crying with joy at meeting my mother, her daughter. It was the most beautiful thing I could have imagined. She was able to see that life was worth it and it was beautiful.

Abortion:

When my mother was 17 she became pregnant by her, then, boyfriend. She was scared, but she valued life and had planned to keep it (maybe even give it up for adoption). However, her mother would not allow it. Her mother was ashamed of what had happened. "Like hell you'll have that child" was her response. Her mother made it clear, "You have that child and you won't have a home to live in". My mother was terrified, shamed and broken. She was only 17, where would she go?  With a broken heart she went to the abortion clinic and allowed the doctor to kill the life growing inside of her. She has never forgotten the pain of that day.

Because my Nana could not see her own irony (benefiting from adoption and yet not allowing another family to benefit from it) a life was ended. Because my Nana could not value life above the power of rumor mills and gossip mongers, I have lost out on a half brother or sister. My mother has lost out on the chance to have saved not just that child but future generations. They don't exist now. They won't exist now.

It breaks my heart and I think about it often. I think of how big our family might be if he/she had been allowed to live and given up for adoption; How rich our family culture could possibly be by continuing the beautiful and sacrificial gift of adoption.

You see, when people talk about adoption, it's very personal to me and when people talk about abortion it is also very personal to me. I feel the impact of both every day.
When people talk about the merits or pitfalls of adoption they tend to stop at just the current generation, but I see beyond that. I see all the potential of not just that child but it's children and it's children's children. I see all of that because I live that... And when people talk of abortion as if it's not that big of a deal, as if it's a good choice whenever the mother wants it to be a good choice... As if it will only impact that one life... I live that too. Because my mom's abortion impacted me and it impacted my children (even if they're too young to know about it or understand it). In either case, the impact of the decision doesn't stop at the woman or the child, it's a ripple effect that impacts generations. We need to see that when we have these discussions. We need to see that these paths leave marks on more than just the first person it touches. Let's make sure we are leaving good ripples. Let's do what we can to love one another and love life.

Next Chapter and the Idols that must be discarded

Over a year ago, our family traveled to South Africa to see if ministering alongside our friends was where God was calling us. We left with full and excited hearts, so convinced that this was right. However, as the months went on and life became crazy, God showed us something else. What did he show us?
1. The Idols we still have to lay down
2. Where our passions really lie

Let me unpack this a bit. When I say the Idols we still have to lay down, I'll be honest, I feel like that's mostly aimed at myself. Not that no one else in our family has room for some spiritual growth to work on but I can only speak the most strongly about myself. What are these things that I still seem to worship at the altar of?

1. Unchecked Condescension. The election this year really brought this out in me as well as my views on Earth Creation. I found myself very caught up in the election and I still find myself very angry and upset about the outcome. I find myself looking down on those who put this person into power and, in turn, patting myself on the back for how "smart" I am to not have fallen for any of his lies or tactics. This is unfair and very un-Christlike. We are all broken people. We all have weaknesses, that includes me. We all have our reasons for making our choices and no matter how I feel about those decisions, that doesn't make that person less deserving of love, grace and care. I can disagree, I can point out evidence towards my way of thinking when the listener is willing to hear it, but I don't have to resort to hurtful tactics and I most certainly don't have the right to think myself better for not making the same choice. Maybe I didn't make that choice but I make 1,000 bad choices every day. Christ forgives me for all 1,000 + bad choices and loves me the same.
Along with that I found the same feelings creeping out when it came to discussions  around God's method for creating this universe. The same feelings of "look how smart I am" and "how ignorant some people can be" kept creeping into my heart.  Such horrible and shameful feelings. It didn't help that I was constantly attacked for my view and that the approach was often condescending right back. It didn't help that some questioned whether or not I was really a Christian because of my "wacky liberal" thoughts. The natural sinful instinct was to get riled up and want to shove back, but that's not the Christ approach.
Romans 12:16 says: "Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight"

James 4:6 says:  "But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

And the one that really strikes at the heart for me is Proverbs 26:12: "Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them."

I don't have all the answers. I don't know how to faithfully lay this idol down and walk away for good from it. But I do know my God is great and that every time I'm tempted to pick this one back up or every time I find that I have bent my knee once more towards the wrong god, my God will save me and turn me back towards Him. In some way or another, I end up being humbled and turn back to him. However, knowing that this is a real struggle for me was an important eye opener and continually shows me of my need for Him.

2. Selfishness with money and time. This one is still tough for me. I find my thoughts constantly turn back to "If I just had x amount of money, things would be okay" and that isn't true. People are content and living happy fulfilled lives for far less than what I make. As we came back to the states I realized how much I love my stuff. I love my phone, I love going into Target and, oh oops, how did this shopping cart get so darn full? I love going "oh, Matt's working late? Guess we'll go out to eat." As we were praying about all the possible ways we can serve Christ and further his kingdom I found myself balking at the things I'd actually have to seriously give up. Not know where my paycheck will come from? No thank you. Give up Starbucks? haha, that's a laugh. No more emptying the Target sales rack? What are we cavemen? I can't give these things up! This became more apparent when we first started realizing where our true passion lies, Foster Care or Adoption. When we first started to talk about it I realized I was becoming feisty about really stupid things. "Yes we do need our basement finished but we can only put the room in THAT corner? That was supposed to be our entertainment area, no way!" and "Look our life is so disorderly as it is and our kids have their own issues, I don't think I can take on other kids who have their own set of problems".... I didn't want to give up my fun money, I didn't want to change my dream on what our house would end up looking like etc. I became so angry with myself with just how selfish I was that instead of addressing the problem I just threw my hands up in the air and said "well, clearly I'm not fit for ministry, not in the field and not in fostering... God must want something else for/from me."

As the months past I became more and more angry and frustrated. Life became almost unbearable in how I viewed it. Instead of my typical (slightly rose colored) glasses I saw it through murky miserable lenses. I felt I was a fraud, someone with a nice happy facade but a miserable filthy rag on the inside. In not wanting to call my idols for what they were, I shifted the blame to being every thing and everyone else fault. I saw the world as irreparably damaged and that everything was truly futile. You would have hardly known it from the outside. I was still doing my best to fool myself into thinking "If I can just earn more money. If I can just pay off this bill. If I can just get the house into the shape I want it in. If I can just treat the kids to some special memory making vacations." But in the end, none of it was satisfying me.

But let me tell you the amazing ways my God works.

While I was busy trying to bury my problems and hide my face from God, He kept turning me back to him in the sweetest and sometimes funniest of ways. Allow me to lay out the subtle things my God did.

1. Last December I saw facebook post after facebook post about how the Iowa Foster Care system was overwhelmed and there weren't enough homes for the kids in need.
2. During that time and randomly since then, there has been many a facebook debate around abortion and how pro-lifers say they support life yet they don't all adopt and they don't all foster. The unbelieving friends I had/have continue to push that sometimes not being born at all would be better than growing up in and out of foster homes because all us pro-lifers won't adopt them.
3. Wesley has REPEATEDLY begged for a younger sibling (preferably a sister because he's somehow convinced they're nicer..... he's clearly delusional)
4. I have continued to have an ache to love more kids and affirm life by saving them from the jaws of abortion (and foster care)
5. A Babylon Bee article about how 95% of Christians keep wanting the other 5% to adopt more to support pro-life efforts. (yes, it's a satirical site but it still struck a chord).
6. James 1:27: Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

I'm still scared, I still have the idols trying to creep their way in but Matt and I know it, deep in our soul, that this is what God is calling us to do. We still don't know if it's fostering to adopt or straight adoption. We are still at the beginning of the road and we don't know where it will lead other than to God's glory and that's good enough for us.
I can see the hope that is found in Him again. I can feel His peace again.

I will do my best to continue to write about our journey and to be very honest and real about the ups and downs. Right now we are just in the gathering information stage, including connecting with families who did adopt out of the foster care system. We haven't told any of our family just yet because we'd rather wait until we take a concrete step (IE signing up for classes or beginning the process of building a room in our basement etc.) but that time will come soon enough.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray that our feet will not falter or stray and that we continue to lean on God for guidance and understanding. Thank you.