Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child

    We've all heard that phrase. It's a famous phrase to justify all forms of physical punishment and it's still used today. It's not the only one used either. I'm sure we can all admit to seeing (or sharing) the pithy facebook memes about how the jails would be empty and kids wouldn't be so bratty and awful today if there were just more spankings or if we could go back to the "good ol' days" where you had to bring your father the "switch".
    I don't fault people for that view. After all, the ones saying it, or posting it are usually level headed contributing members of society who firmly believe that their "butt whoopings" is what shaped them into the grounded and solid citizen they are today. Even I slip into that mentality from time to time. However, when I had kids of my own, my mind slowly started to change. It wasn't immediate, heck, I got "the whacker" out on my youngest less than a year ago due to extreme defiance. But I have noticed that as we work with a different mentality on how to mold well rounded children into well rounded adults our "need" for spanking or other forms of physical punishment have diminished
    Last night's Foster Care class really drove home the importance of moving away from physical punishment. You see, a "punishment" is something you do to stop an immediate behavior and, while that isn't always wrong or bad, it doesn't tell a child what they should be doing, only what they should not be doing. What we, as parents, grandparents, Sunday school teachers and everyone else in charge of a child, are really striving for is to teach our kids. What that takes is discipline... you know, the word that also makes up discipleship! To teach!
    While we strive to do that with our children anyways, it's all the more important of kids in your "special" care. Remember, these kids have not come from safe or consistent environments. You may yell at your child and spank their bottom when they've crossed the predetermined line but for the other child?... that other child was beaten for wetting the bed... or withheld food for spilling milk.... or ignored by their parents until they misbehaved. You may mean well but all you're doing is re-enforcing their preconceived notion that adults can not be trusted to meet their needs or care about/for them.
    This hit hard for Matt and myself. Again, not because we use corporal punishment in our house anymore, but because he has one fear inducing "daddy tone" when he's upset. While I may not have a cringe inducing "mommy tone" I can certainly yell when pushed too far. We both realized that needs to change. Not just for the future kids in our home but for our current kids as well. Think about it for a moment. What are we teaching our kids when we yell at them for being upset with them? We are teaching them how to handle conflict. We are teaching them how to handle their emotions. We are doing that by example. There are times to be firm, there are times when the line must be drawn... But does that mean yelling? How well does that work for us in conflicts with other adults? When we spank (outside of for safety reasons, like smacking the hand to keep it form touching flames) what are we teaching our kids about conflict resolution? Is it appropriate to punch or "spank" adults when we're mad at them for not doing what we expect? I know that sounds silly but really think about that for a second. We are charged with raising children into adults. We are charged with the difficult task of setting the example for them on how to handle their own conflicts. That's not an easy task and we can't afford to take short cuts.
    Last night's class really delved into a slew of discipline options to help get a child on track while teaching them what they should do.... And, honestly, it's stuff that I see a lot of parents already doing. It's really stuff even our own parents did (minus the spanking, soap in the mouth etc.) Have you ever had your mother or father say "you can have desert, once you've eaten your broccoli." ? Have you ever had your Grandma say "Taking that gum was wrong. I'm going to take you back to the store and have you return it to them and apologize to make things right." and then get the big lecture about why it's wrong? How about being sent to your room to calm down and then get a talking to once all sides have had a chance to calm down? How about the time your mom or dad took you out for ice cream just because they realized that you needed extra attention? Or the time your dad didn't come to the rescue on that school project you put off and allowed you to deal with the natural consequence of that?  Those are all things that teach kids right behavior, build trust and still allow for consequences.
   Thinking hard about last night I realized, the jails aren't full because kids aren't being spanked anymore. School shootings aren't happening because kids are entitled brats who need the belt to their butt. The jails are full because we are broken by sin. When people say that they think kids need to be "spanked" is that we want kids to be better disciplined. Spanking isn't discipline, it's punishment. As a parent, what do I want? Do I want to stop a behavior? Or do I want to teach my kids the behavior I wish to see from them?Do I want to teach my child that the answer to being disappointed or angry is to hit or do I want to teach them how to handle life's disappointments with grace, humility and the natural consequences of our choices?
I know it's a touchy subject and saying "spanking isn't best" can lead to heated debates but we can all agree that we want our children to become loving and responsible adults who contribute to society (and God's kingdom) in positive ways. Maybe it's time we really take an honest look at our upbringing and re-evaluate what message we received from our parents when the wooden spoon came out and think about what message we're sending to our own kids.