This is especially clear when it comes to the issue of Brett Kavanuagh (Trump's appointed nominee for the Supreme Court). Let me make clear that this is not a post about him and my opinions on his nomination. However, let me also make clear that this IS about how the situation and others like it are being handled. As soon as the 1st person came forward there were naysayers. I was even one of them. The most common refrains were "Why didn't she report it sooner if it really happened?" and "This is a smear campaign of the Democrats." My personal reasoning for giving the situation pause was because if it really happened it had happened in High School and aren't we all different people now?
Of the dismissive statements I've heard, the biggest ones that hurt the most are the ones aimed at dismissing what the woman has to say on the sole basis of timing, who is supporting her, and who is the target. The timing is suspicious, the political party with the information is suspicious, the length of time is too far gone, it's just another attack on a conservative white male. This thought process should be troubling for everyone.
When an adult comes forward and states "I was raped/molested/assaulted by a priest as a child" I don't hear such dismissive or angry responses. I don't hear people questioning the person's validity based on how long they wanted or the fact that the accused is a conservative white male. No one becomes defensive and questions their motives "They're just doing it to bring a bad name to Catholicism or Christianity"... And NO ONE feels bad for the accused. No, we start at a place of believing them (or at minimum admitting that we will give them the benefit of the doubt) and will strongly advocate for a proper investigation. I do not hear these things coming from certain demographics when it comes to women who accuse the powerful, regardless of the age of when it happened. I will not make an assumption as to why that it is, but I will tell you that it's unacceptable. And here is where this becomes very personal for me. #Metoo really is Me Too!
When I was a child I was molested on more than one occasion by boys my own age. At the time there were PSA's filling the airwaves telling kids that if you've been touched inappropriately you needed to tell a trusted adult. So I did. However, each time I did, I found that the boys didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I didn't hate them for what they did. I just didn't want them to do it again. In one case, they were the boys at the day care I attended. I had no other friends but them, so you can imagine how lonely it was for me the day they got in trouble for shoving their hands down my pants and tongues in my mouth and now wanted nothing to do with me. I was now no longer worthy of a friendship. I understand some would say "why would you want to be friends with boys who would treat you that way?". My response is layered A) Who else was I supposed to be friends? with B) I don't like anyone being mad at me, ever... I want to get a long with everyone, even if they aren't the best person C) I was a kid who just wanted to be liked and feel worthy of friendship.That experience stuck with me and it became one of the many reasons I was less prone to telling others when things went wrong as I grew older.
Just after graduating High School, this boy I had liked messaged me through AIM (yeah, before smart phones and apps). He admitted that during High School he had liked me but was too afraid to act because he knew he was a bit popular and I wasn't. He apologized for being so shallow and asked if I wanted to hang out. On one hand I was mad. This guy had the nerve to think he was better than me less than 2 months ago and now that he doesn't have to face his peers he's willing to lower himself to my level. On the other hand, I was flattered that he was willing to admit his insecurities and wanted to make amends. I asked what he wanted to do. He suggested swimming in his neighbors pool. This seemed odd to me, it was a bit cold, and all of this seemed sudden... But what was the worse that could happen? He didn't really come across to me as the aggressive type in school. We'd probably flirt and goof off and if it went well, maybe lead to a kiss and a future date. When I got there, I found out that we were actually "sneaking" into his neighbors pool and once in he wasted no time in wanting to make out with me. I barely had time to process what was going on before his tongue was in my mouth and he was taking my hand and shoving it down his trunks. I was embarrassed and confused. I tried to be delicate about pulling away and saying I wasn't sure about all of this, but he was so forceful, so desperate to keep things moving. Before our swimsuits came completely off I was able to get up the nerve to shove him back and firmly tell him "no". That's when his real cowardice showed. He begged me not to tell anyone out of embarrassment. I don't recall exactly what I said but I probably agreed and left. He never talked to me again. I only mentioned the incident to a friend one time, years later and it was only because we were at a party and he was there... hitting on HER. I didn't want her to go through what I went through.
A few years later I made friends with a guy at work. We flirted with each other, but I thought I was clear that it was never in a serious manner. He wanted to come over one night and watch a movie and hang out. I figured we were friends so why not? After watching the movie, and scolding him for thinking he was going to roll a join in my apartment, it was time to go. I walked him out but once I got to the door he asked for a kiss on the cheek. I didn't really like the idea but, again, I didn't really want to make a big deal of things if I didn't need to so I agreed. That's when he turned his head and kissed me on the mouth. Not just that, he grabbed a hold of me tightly and began to try and kiss me passionately. I backed up and which immediately made him defensive "What, I'm not asking you to have sex with me!" and he went in for more.. Being a bit older, and more sure of myself I pulled back again and replied "I know, but we're friends, that's all". Ego hurt, he left... again, never to talk to me again.
I never told anyone about either of these incidents for years and years. Why? Because I knew how it would play out. The questions about my character would come pouring out and I would feel ashamed... I would feel ashamed despite not being in the wrong. I would be asked why I agreed to go to the pool or have the guy over. I would be told that I flirt too much and I was leading them on. Because I had (and still do) heard those questions and scoldings so many times when women came forward, I stayed quiet. Opting to privately scold myself over and over again until I believed I really was to blame. If either of them were running for public office or some other position where I would expect some moral high ground, I wouldn't be able to support them... and in the case of the 1st person I would publicly speak out (because, since sharing my story about him with others I uncovered that I wasn't the 1st or last person he did that to).
I understand that these women are often having their stories used as a weapon by the opposing party. But, what I don't understand is our reactions to the women themselves. People are attacking them, publicly and actively seeking ways to discredit her character instead of prove or disprove the facts. Maybe she is wrong. Maybe she doesn't remember things accurately. Maybe she's lying. But, considering how rare that last one is, shouldn't we all openly support a proper and unbiased investigation into her claims? What's worse, is that maybe one of the political parties is wielding her claim as a weapon, shouldn't that make us feel worse for her? Because instead of being treated with dignity and respect by all sides, she's being used by one and attacked by the other. It should disgust all of us.
An argument was posed to me that if the crimes are extremely old, then it shouldn't ruin a man's career, even if it did happen. To an extent, I agree. It depends on what his job is and his level of influence on the world. If he is a Wal-Mart greeter, a Customer Service employee, even a CEO of a company, if he has shown (through the years) that he is not the same person he was, then he should be properly investigated and if redeemed go on with his life in peace, and if not redeemed, suffer whatever the appropriate consequence is and, again, move on with his life.
However, if he is to be in a role that should be held to higher standards such as public office or a religious leader, he ought to be able to demonstrate the qualities that one expects of the role. If the accusations are true (even if they're 30+ years old) he ought not to wait until it's proven to say he's sorry for the pain he's caused. A truly redeemed person would own their past mistakes, apologize immediately and prove that he is a changed person. Honestly, of those who have been accused of bad behavior (whether it's sexual misconduct, or disgusting tweets), the ones I've been able to forgive are the ones who have either admitted immediately that they were in the wrong and have worked hard to demonstrate that they are changed or they have said "I honestly don't remember doing the things they said, but they're clearly hurt and if I had any play in that I am SO sorry". That's respectable.
On top of concerns over ruining a "poor man's life", I have heard people complain that they feel like it's just "conservative white men" who are in positions of power that are being accused. What I don't understand is how they're not seeing why that's the case. If you look at the demographic of who is in power you will find that it's mostly conservative white men. Not understanding why they seem to be the majority accused is like saying you don't understand why the majority of accusers are women..... Because that is the majority, but not all. Non-Conservative and Non-White people of power have been accused as well. Al Franken, Bill Cosby, Anothny Weiner, Bill Clinton are just a few that come to mind and there are others. Women aren't the only accusers either. Terry Crews and Jimmy Bennett have both come forward to talk about their experiences with being assaulted by women.
I also understand that people don't like what they see in terms of "taking sides". They feel they have to believe the woman completely and pass judgement on the accused before an investigation or they will be lumped in with the other side that dismisses her out of hand. Please know that I don't like it either. I don't believe that wanting a fair investigation and holding onto a healthy dose of skepticism is a bad thing. I only ask that you truly understand why the response of believing the woman is such a passionate one. We women are RARELY believed. I can count to countless statistics that show just how rare it is for a rape case or sexual assault case is to make it to trial. Our characters are dissected and we end up being more on trial than the accused. We are asked why we wore what we wore, how much we had to drink, whether or not we were giving mixed signals, etc. If we are promiscuous it is used against us as if promiscuity means permission. We are held to ridiculous standards of behavior when you take into account all of the other behaviors that women are also commonly held to (smile, be kind, don't be rude, be submissive, if you're assertiveness you'll be seen as a bitch so scale it back, any outfit you put on think about how it will be perceived by the male population, etc. etc.) We NEED people to be on our side. We NEED people to believe us (even if they hold onto a healthy dose of skepticism). It is terrifying to speak up and we need people to encourage us and support us, not dissect our whole life under a microscope while worrying about how our accusations could "ruin an innocent man's life". It will only ruin it if he's guilty and if that's the case, he has no one to blame but himself.
On top of false accusations being rare, men receiving proper punishment is also rare, especially if you're wealthy and/or white. Brock Turner served days, Bill Cosby is only getting 3 years, an Alaskan man (Justin Schneider) was given a "pass" after kidnapping, choking a woman and then masturbating on her face (yeah you read that right)! We are outraged at the lack of seriousness with which these crimes are not just perceived but sentenced. So, yes, we will come to our sisters defense and demand justice the second a word is spoke about assault, because far too often her bravery is treated like dirt and the perpetrator walks away with a slap on the hand if anything at all. Could it be false? Yes, we know there is a small chance it could be false, but for the sake of every woman who has been too scared to come forward, we're going to throw it all in there and support the ones that do. By doing so, we are encouraging other women to be brave and come forward. We want them to know that they will not be torn to shreds if their sisters can help it. We want them to know that they are not alone and that they do not have to be silent anymore.
So, let me close with this, I fully support and understand the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" but can we also please tack on "truth until proven a lie"? Yes, I understand that there may be tension but that's good. I also ask for understanding and empathy when you see you women friends who show outrage and anger at those who have been accused. We have a long, sad history of being ignored and marginalized and we're done.
Of the dismissive statements I've heard, the biggest ones that hurt the most are the ones aimed at dismissing what the woman has to say on the sole basis of timing, who is supporting her, and who is the target. The timing is suspicious, the political party with the information is suspicious, the length of time is too far gone, it's just another attack on a conservative white male. This thought process should be troubling for everyone.
When an adult comes forward and states "I was raped/molested/assaulted by a priest as a child" I don't hear such dismissive or angry responses. I don't hear people questioning the person's validity based on how long they wanted or the fact that the accused is a conservative white male. No one becomes defensive and questions their motives "They're just doing it to bring a bad name to Catholicism or Christianity"... And NO ONE feels bad for the accused. No, we start at a place of believing them (or at minimum admitting that we will give them the benefit of the doubt) and will strongly advocate for a proper investigation. I do not hear these things coming from certain demographics when it comes to women who accuse the powerful, regardless of the age of when it happened. I will not make an assumption as to why that it is, but I will tell you that it's unacceptable. And here is where this becomes very personal for me. #Metoo really is Me Too!
When I was a child I was molested on more than one occasion by boys my own age. At the time there were PSA's filling the airwaves telling kids that if you've been touched inappropriately you needed to tell a trusted adult. So I did. However, each time I did, I found that the boys didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I didn't hate them for what they did. I just didn't want them to do it again. In one case, they were the boys at the day care I attended. I had no other friends but them, so you can imagine how lonely it was for me the day they got in trouble for shoving their hands down my pants and tongues in my mouth and now wanted nothing to do with me. I was now no longer worthy of a friendship. I understand some would say "why would you want to be friends with boys who would treat you that way?". My response is layered A) Who else was I supposed to be friends? with B) I don't like anyone being mad at me, ever... I want to get a long with everyone, even if they aren't the best person C) I was a kid who just wanted to be liked and feel worthy of friendship.That experience stuck with me and it became one of the many reasons I was less prone to telling others when things went wrong as I grew older.
Just after graduating High School, this boy I had liked messaged me through AIM (yeah, before smart phones and apps). He admitted that during High School he had liked me but was too afraid to act because he knew he was a bit popular and I wasn't. He apologized for being so shallow and asked if I wanted to hang out. On one hand I was mad. This guy had the nerve to think he was better than me less than 2 months ago and now that he doesn't have to face his peers he's willing to lower himself to my level. On the other hand, I was flattered that he was willing to admit his insecurities and wanted to make amends. I asked what he wanted to do. He suggested swimming in his neighbors pool. This seemed odd to me, it was a bit cold, and all of this seemed sudden... But what was the worse that could happen? He didn't really come across to me as the aggressive type in school. We'd probably flirt and goof off and if it went well, maybe lead to a kiss and a future date. When I got there, I found out that we were actually "sneaking" into his neighbors pool and once in he wasted no time in wanting to make out with me. I barely had time to process what was going on before his tongue was in my mouth and he was taking my hand and shoving it down his trunks. I was embarrassed and confused. I tried to be delicate about pulling away and saying I wasn't sure about all of this, but he was so forceful, so desperate to keep things moving. Before our swimsuits came completely off I was able to get up the nerve to shove him back and firmly tell him "no". That's when his real cowardice showed. He begged me not to tell anyone out of embarrassment. I don't recall exactly what I said but I probably agreed and left. He never talked to me again. I only mentioned the incident to a friend one time, years later and it was only because we were at a party and he was there... hitting on HER. I didn't want her to go through what I went through.
A few years later I made friends with a guy at work. We flirted with each other, but I thought I was clear that it was never in a serious manner. He wanted to come over one night and watch a movie and hang out. I figured we were friends so why not? After watching the movie, and scolding him for thinking he was going to roll a join in my apartment, it was time to go. I walked him out but once I got to the door he asked for a kiss on the cheek. I didn't really like the idea but, again, I didn't really want to make a big deal of things if I didn't need to so I agreed. That's when he turned his head and kissed me on the mouth. Not just that, he grabbed a hold of me tightly and began to try and kiss me passionately. I backed up and which immediately made him defensive "What, I'm not asking you to have sex with me!" and he went in for more.. Being a bit older, and more sure of myself I pulled back again and replied "I know, but we're friends, that's all". Ego hurt, he left... again, never to talk to me again.
I never told anyone about either of these incidents for years and years. Why? Because I knew how it would play out. The questions about my character would come pouring out and I would feel ashamed... I would feel ashamed despite not being in the wrong. I would be asked why I agreed to go to the pool or have the guy over. I would be told that I flirt too much and I was leading them on. Because I had (and still do) heard those questions and scoldings so many times when women came forward, I stayed quiet. Opting to privately scold myself over and over again until I believed I really was to blame. If either of them were running for public office or some other position where I would expect some moral high ground, I wouldn't be able to support them... and in the case of the 1st person I would publicly speak out (because, since sharing my story about him with others I uncovered that I wasn't the 1st or last person he did that to).
I understand that these women are often having their stories used as a weapon by the opposing party. But, what I don't understand is our reactions to the women themselves. People are attacking them, publicly and actively seeking ways to discredit her character instead of prove or disprove the facts. Maybe she is wrong. Maybe she doesn't remember things accurately. Maybe she's lying. But, considering how rare that last one is, shouldn't we all openly support a proper and unbiased investigation into her claims? What's worse, is that maybe one of the political parties is wielding her claim as a weapon, shouldn't that make us feel worse for her? Because instead of being treated with dignity and respect by all sides, she's being used by one and attacked by the other. It should disgust all of us.
An argument was posed to me that if the crimes are extremely old, then it shouldn't ruin a man's career, even if it did happen. To an extent, I agree. It depends on what his job is and his level of influence on the world. If he is a Wal-Mart greeter, a Customer Service employee, even a CEO of a company, if he has shown (through the years) that he is not the same person he was, then he should be properly investigated and if redeemed go on with his life in peace, and if not redeemed, suffer whatever the appropriate consequence is and, again, move on with his life.
However, if he is to be in a role that should be held to higher standards such as public office or a religious leader, he ought to be able to demonstrate the qualities that one expects of the role. If the accusations are true (even if they're 30+ years old) he ought not to wait until it's proven to say he's sorry for the pain he's caused. A truly redeemed person would own their past mistakes, apologize immediately and prove that he is a changed person. Honestly, of those who have been accused of bad behavior (whether it's sexual misconduct, or disgusting tweets), the ones I've been able to forgive are the ones who have either admitted immediately that they were in the wrong and have worked hard to demonstrate that they are changed or they have said "I honestly don't remember doing the things they said, but they're clearly hurt and if I had any play in that I am SO sorry". That's respectable.
On top of concerns over ruining a "poor man's life", I have heard people complain that they feel like it's just "conservative white men" who are in positions of power that are being accused. What I don't understand is how they're not seeing why that's the case. If you look at the demographic of who is in power you will find that it's mostly conservative white men. Not understanding why they seem to be the majority accused is like saying you don't understand why the majority of accusers are women..... Because that is the majority, but not all. Non-Conservative and Non-White people of power have been accused as well. Al Franken, Bill Cosby, Anothny Weiner, Bill Clinton are just a few that come to mind and there are others. Women aren't the only accusers either. Terry Crews and Jimmy Bennett have both come forward to talk about their experiences with being assaulted by women.
I also understand that people don't like what they see in terms of "taking sides". They feel they have to believe the woman completely and pass judgement on the accused before an investigation or they will be lumped in with the other side that dismisses her out of hand. Please know that I don't like it either. I don't believe that wanting a fair investigation and holding onto a healthy dose of skepticism is a bad thing. I only ask that you truly understand why the response of believing the woman is such a passionate one. We women are RARELY believed. I can count to countless statistics that show just how rare it is for a rape case or sexual assault case is to make it to trial. Our characters are dissected and we end up being more on trial than the accused. We are asked why we wore what we wore, how much we had to drink, whether or not we were giving mixed signals, etc. If we are promiscuous it is used against us as if promiscuity means permission. We are held to ridiculous standards of behavior when you take into account all of the other behaviors that women are also commonly held to (smile, be kind, don't be rude, be submissive, if you're assertiveness you'll be seen as a bitch so scale it back, any outfit you put on think about how it will be perceived by the male population, etc. etc.) We NEED people to be on our side. We NEED people to believe us (even if they hold onto a healthy dose of skepticism). It is terrifying to speak up and we need people to encourage us and support us, not dissect our whole life under a microscope while worrying about how our accusations could "ruin an innocent man's life". It will only ruin it if he's guilty and if that's the case, he has no one to blame but himself.
On top of false accusations being rare, men receiving proper punishment is also rare, especially if you're wealthy and/or white. Brock Turner served days, Bill Cosby is only getting 3 years, an Alaskan man (Justin Schneider) was given a "pass" after kidnapping, choking a woman and then masturbating on her face (yeah you read that right)! We are outraged at the lack of seriousness with which these crimes are not just perceived but sentenced. So, yes, we will come to our sisters defense and demand justice the second a word is spoke about assault, because far too often her bravery is treated like dirt and the perpetrator walks away with a slap on the hand if anything at all. Could it be false? Yes, we know there is a small chance it could be false, but for the sake of every woman who has been too scared to come forward, we're going to throw it all in there and support the ones that do. By doing so, we are encouraging other women to be brave and come forward. We want them to know that they will not be torn to shreds if their sisters can help it. We want them to know that they are not alone and that they do not have to be silent anymore.
So, let me close with this, I fully support and understand the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" but can we also please tack on "truth until proven a lie"? Yes, I understand that there may be tension but that's good. I also ask for understanding and empathy when you see you women friends who show outrage and anger at those who have been accused. We have a long, sad history of being ignored and marginalized and we're done.
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